The life of a young black girl

Triangulation: The Narcissist’s Secret Weapon of Manipulation

I’m back to sharing my life stories, turning my pain into words of wisdom. It’s taken me over 7 months to get back to myself again. This is my first post of the year.  I’ve been stuck in the longest depressive state and lacked the motivation I once had for the last 9 years of blogging. I’ve been through a lot but nothing to ever stop me writing for this long. It all began when my aunt pressured me into a family holiday I didn’t want to go on, using financial and emotional manipulation that left me feeling I had no real choice.

The treatment we received on the holiday broke me in every way. It was so bad I had to change our return flight to leave a week earlier. After returning home, I was depleted and my habits changed drastically showing signs of depression. My only motivation being my daughter. In my darkest times my daughter has been my light and I’m so grateful for her life.

While still under my mum’s control and manipulation, I ended up agreeing to a second holiday for a family funeral, this turned out even worse than the first. Until God sent me a long time childhood friend that saved us from the toxic environment we were in. He then became a target for helping us.

We’ll get into more details on another post but for now I want to discuss this important topic of Triangulation, most people don’t know what it is. Being a survivor of narcissistic people, especially in my family has been a roller coaster. I’m finally free from their control and manipulation that has had me at some of my lowest moments in life. I’d like to educate others of a few tactics that narcissists use as a form of control, especially when you’ve cut off the access, also known as the narcissistic supply. They’ll try to find other ways to get to you.

Being in therapy is a life changer and eye opener to the level of generational trauma that runs within my family.

Have you ever felt like someone was trying to turn others against you, twist your words, or stir up unnecessary drama in your relationships? If so, you may have been a target of triangulation, a subtle but powerful manipulation tactic often used by narcissists and toxic individuals.

In this post, we’ll break down what triangulation is, how to spot it, and most importantly, how to protect yourself from its harmful effects.

What Is Triangulation?

Triangulation is a psychological manipulation strategy where one person (usually the manipulator) uses a third party to control or influence someone else. Rather than dealing with conflict or emotions directly, the manipulator brings in another person—either as a messenger, an ally, or even a rival, to create confusion, tension, or division.

In the narcissist’s playbook, triangulation is all about control.

If they can’t manipulate you directly, they’ll find someone else to help them do it.

How Triangulation Works

Here are a few classic ways triangulation shows up:

• The Smear Campaign: The narcissist spreads lies or half-truths about you to others to damage your reputation. You may not even know it’s happening until people begin treating you differently.

• The Middleman Trap: Instead of speaking to you directly, the narcissist passes messages through someone else, twisting words along the way to stir confusion or conflict.

• Flying Monkeys: Named after the minions in The Wizard of Oz, these are the people the narcissist manipulates into doing their bidding—attacking, guilt-tripping, or spying on you—often without realizing they’re being used.

• The “Comparison Game”: The narcissist compares you to others (ex-partners, coworkers, friends) to make you feel insecure or compete for their approval.

Why Do Narcissists Use Triangulation?

Narcissists crave control, attention, and validation. Triangulation helps them:

• Maintain power dynamics in their relationships

• Avoid accountability by keeping others distracted or in conflict

• Create loyalty by making others “choose sides”

• Isolate their target from potential allies

It’s a way of playing people against each other to stay at the center of attention and control the narrative.

Signs You’re Being Triangulated

• You hear rumors or twisted versions of things you said or situations.

• People are suddenly distant or hostile without explanation.

• The narcissist constantly brings up others to make you feel insecure or jealous.

• You’re left feeling confused, anxious, or like you’re “crazy.”

• You’re being pressured to defend yourself against situations or things you never said or did.

How to Protect Yourself from Triangulation

1. Don’t Take the Bait. If someone tries to provoke you by bringing in a third party’s opinion or gossip, stay calm. Ask for direct communication.

2. Set Boundaries. Don’t allow others to play messenger or pull you into drama. Be firm: “I prefer to talk directly with [Name] if there’s an issue.”

3. Document Everything. If this happens at work or in legal situations, keep records of communication. Narcissists are notorious for rewriting history.

4. Educate Allies. If safe to do so, gently inform mutual friends or family members about triangulation and narcissistic tactics. Many don’t even realize they’re being manipulated.

5. Go Grey Rock. Limit emotional responses and interaction with the narcissist. The less fuel you give them, the less power they have.

Final Thoughts

Triangulation is emotionally draining and deeply manipulative, but understanding it is the first step to breaking free. Whether it’s happening in family dynamics, romantic relationship, a friendship, or even the workplace, recognizing the signs empowers you to reclaim your voice, your peace, and your boundaries.

Remember: Healthy relationships are built on trust, communication and mutual respect, not manipulation and mind games.

Have you experienced triangulation or narcissistic abuse? Share your story or insights in the comments. Let’s break the silence and support each other in healing.

-By Rikkisha aka Kim – A young black girl

If you have been affected by the issues relating to this topic please see below.

Please visit:

National Domestic Abuse Helpline

Victim support 

  • Need help after crime? Get in touch anytime for independent, free, and confidential advice:
  • www.victimsupport.org
  • Call our national Supportline free on 08 08 16 89 111, 24/7
  • Get support online
  • Start a live chat, available across England and Wales, 24/7
  • Anyone affected by crime in England or Wales can contact us for free, confidential support. If you live in Scotland or Northern Ireland, you can contact Victim Support Scotland or Victim Support NI for help.

Samaritans 

  • www.samaritans.org
  • If you’re in distress and need support, you can ring Samaritans for free at any time of the day or night.
  • Freephone (UK and Republic of Ireland): 116 123 (24 hours)
  • Email: jo@samaritans.org

Young Minds Crisis Messenger

  • Provides free, 24/7 crisis support across the UK if you are experiencing a mental health crisis
  • If you need urgent help text YM to 85258
  • All texts are answered by trained volunteers, with support from experienced clinical supervisors
  • Texts are free from EE, O2, Vodafone, 3, Virgin Mobile, BT Mobile, GiffGaff, Tesco Mobile and Telecom Plus.

Papyrus (Prevention of Young Suicide)

Step forward 
• Free & confidential services for all young people aged 11-25, living in & around Tower Hamlets, East London
• www.step-forward.org

5 comments

  1. Hello my darling, it’s Inga.
    Thank you so much for sharing this! I was really excited to read it — I’m not exactly sure what you do, but I absolutely loved it. I’ve always wanted to write a book about my life, and reading this has truly inspired me to keep going with that idea. I’d love to write something that could help young girls.

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