The life of a young black girl

Why do people self-sabotage in relationships?

Self sabotaging behaviour is routed based on the self belief that we do not deserve success and are inadequate or unworthy of love and happiness. Its simply negative self-talk based on your own self limiting beliefs of yourself.

The question is why do individuals self-sabotage in relationships?  Let’s look at three different types of people and go a bit deeper.

Person A;

May have low self esteem and when someone great comes along they try to find a problem or create one. They may even feel that the person is too good for them and it’s probably too good to be true. I’ve experienced this one myself far too many times, where men get scared because things are going too good and believe they don’t deserve it so they sabotage the relationship. Only to regret it later on and tell me that “It seemed too good to be true” These are men that are not used to having a good women by their side, a women that brings them peace and treats them right. Their idea of a women is completely different as that’s what they are used to getting from women, toxic behaviour and just pure drama.

Person B;

May be emotionally disconnected. This can be for a number of reasons, one main factor to take into account is an individuals upbringing. Your upbringing as a child determines your attachment style and how you form relationships. The way your mother nurtured you from birth is a key element. Remember anything you learn can be unlearned.

Person C;

Could be someone who is deeply routed in compete fear and does not want to be vulnerable, fearing the possible rejection and disappointment. When you are in a relationship it’s important to be completely open and ready to receive and give to your partner, both emotional and physical intimacy is important. This is why it’s very crucial to heal before you enter a new relationship. Side note, physical intimacy doesn’t necessarily mean sex.

Further more in conclusion, it is known that many people self-sabotage and are not aware, while others are completely self-aware of this self-destructive behaviour but choose to display it anyway. There are many factors at play for why an individual would develop this toxic behaviour. Overall, Sabotaging behaviour in relationships comes down to fear of intimacy. 

How can I stop self-sabotaging?

Below I have listed a few things you can try.

1) You need to become more self-aware and recognise when you are doing it.

2) Take time to love yourself and practice self-love.

3) Work on yourself and healing your trauma and any insecurities you may be carrying.

4) Work on building your self-esteem and confidence.

5) Try to eliminate any self limiting beliefs

6) Practice positive affirmations daily.

7) Ask for help and speak to a therapist or councillor

A Young black girl

-Rikkisha West

If you have been affected by the issues relating to this topic please see below.

Please visit:

Samaritans 

  • www.samaritans.org
  • If you’re in distress and need support, you can ring Samaritans for free at any time of the day or night.
  • Freephone (UK and Republic of Ireland): 116 123 (24 hours)
  • Email: jo@samaritans.org

Young Minds Crisis Messenger

  • Provides free, 24/7 crisis support across the UK if you are experiencing a mental health crisis
  • If you need urgent help text YM to 85258
  • All texts are answered by trained volunteers, with support from experienced clinical supervisors
  • Texts are free from EE, O2, Vodafone, 3, Virgin Mobile, BT Mobile, GiffGaff, Tesco Mobile and Telecom Plus.

Papyrus (Prevention of Young Suicide)

Step forward 
• Free & confidential services for all young people aged 11-25, living in & around Tower Hamlets, East London
• www.step-forward.org

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