Let’s talk about my ex and how he tried to break my spirit.

I will no longer be victim to these men, to their ways of making you feel and look bad. Have you ever had a man call you paranoid? Call you mad? You see, the funny thing about that is; they always want to be quick to call the girl crazy when they are the true reason for changing a girl’s true spirit. You never really know someone until you’re in a relationship with them.

Quick back story, we met in uni and we had the same mutual friends in uni… well I thought these people were friends, but we’ll get to that later.

Everything started fine for the first couple of months as they always do, but then I started to see certain things that was unsettling to my soul. So, I would try talking to him about certain things, but as soon as you think it’s getting better there was always something new. He would make me feel like I’m dumb or crazy saying I’m complaining all the time. Well I wouldn’t need to complain if you weren’t always doing the same disrespectful things. It’s so hard when you’re stuck in-between. Do I choose to stay and push through? Or do you accept the red flags and walk away. They always teach us to stay and bare the hard times.

I thought I knew my worth but I didn’t because I stayed, allowing him to mistreat me and take me for a fool. I thought maybe love was enough but it wasn’t. He made me cry so many times I’ve lost count. I stayed because of love, because of having hope that everything will be alright; hoping that maybe he will see my worth.

I would go over to talk to him and he would be snapping someone and he quickly closes the chat. When I ask what he is hiding he’s says, “nothing” and says that I’m moving “Mad” or “Nuts”. I then asked if it was a girl and this boy looked me in my eyes and said no. Later that day asking him again he finally confessed he lied and said that it was a girl and that she was saying I looked pretty. So, this boy looked me in my eyes and lied to me! Well let’s hold this thought, if another girl was saying your girl was pretty wouldn’t you not just say “Hey someone on my snap said your pretty”?? Or would you act shady and quickly close the chat?

So, on this other occasion, we were in uni and he was sitting down and I was standing behind him talking and joking about. I started seeing whatsapp messages coming in on his phone all done the screen. I never said anything I just watched and observed to see if he would open them up but instead he turned his phone upside down, then next thing I know he slides the phone in his pocket. This clearly showed he was hiding something and felt uncomfortable opening the messages with me there. I then go to sit down and automatically start to think to myself what just happened because that was so shady. I ask why he turned the phone upside done like he was hiding someone and he just started to call me paranoid and crazy. So, I ask who it was and he said he doesn’t know. I asked, aren’t you going to find out then? He eventually opens the messages and at that point I asked what they said, but he freezes and then reads one of the many messages. The message read, “Hi sexy, I saw your number on my friend’s phone” or some rubbish like that. He tries to reassure me that it’s probably just one of his boys messing about. I then later ask about the message and he said it was a “Friend” and I asked if it was appropriate for her to be flirting and he replied, “it’s banter.” There was more to the message than that but of course he didn’t tell me. For a moment let’s just imagine if this was me….. Can you imagine the amount of abuse I would be getting?? Anyways, he expects me to get over it and says again I’m moving “Nuts”.

Have you been with someone that never brought you around his “female friends” or “close female friends” When asking what he plans to do on a Saturday, he told me so casually that his friend is taking him out to eat. LOL! He then tells me that she’s a “close female friend” expecting me to be okay with it just because he’s known her before me. Having in mind I’ve never been introduced to her. I ask to meet her and he replies, “I’ll introduce you to her in my own time, not yours” The cheek of it alllllll, like how rude. How can you not be ready for me to meet your “close female friends” when I’ve met your mum? Does that even make sense? So, these girls hold more value than your mum?

He goes out constantly to all these female “friends” birthday gatherings but never invites me. It felt like there was someone new all the time that was automatically just a friend. Oh, and for his female “friend’s” birthday and he ended up in the hotel room with a room full of girls, while the one boy he brings is snapping everything. If it wasn’t for the guy he brought, I would never have known where he was that night. Of course, he didn’t snap anything that night apart from the food on his plate at the Shard. He had shoes offff comfortable in the hotel pouring liquor in a room full of 5-6 girls after 4:00 AM!! What does he say…? they’re just “friends”. When we were discussing the events of that night he mentioned one of the guys from uni even said he was doing baby boy that night and then the guy remembered in that moment that he wasn’t even single. The fact that you have someone else even thinking that is so embarrassing, if you wanted the single life so badly why are you in a relationship please?

One time I was on my phone and he was looking and he sees a message from one male friend of mine, he quickly asked in a firm and serious voice, who’s so and so?! He’s quick to make me look and feel bad. Asking to see their picture and messages, grabbing the phone out my hand. I then take the phone back and he starts to push guilt on me saying “why you acting nervous? Why you sweating? Look at you, you can’t even talk properly” By the way I was not sweating; that’s what got me even more offended. He tells me if I don’t allow him to see my phone I should get out his house? Yes, I got kicked out the house at 2 am. He’s even called me disguisting for having my bloody Neighour’s number, can you imagine! He continued to say, “dont even know why you think you need your neighbours number Lool”. That’s rich coming from him. The cheeeeek of it all,

Let’s not forget, he didn’t even want to spend New Year’s Eve with me, instead wanted to go Birmingham, where his boys brought other girls… But I couldn’t come because? Can you imagine, I took this boy on holiday for his birthday and all he was interested in was what was happening on his phone? The day before we broke up he asked what I was doing that day and there’s me thinking he’s probably going to ask to see me, nope! He was going to his “female friend’s” birthday party. I asked what friend’s that and he replied, “a friend from way back”. I ask, “does this friend from way back not have a name, are you not going to tell me the name?” He replied “No, what’s a name going to do”. At this point, I had enough of his bullshit. I asked again and he replied, “What’s a name going to do, you don’t know her” Then I explained to him that we usually ask each other these things when we go out and it’s never a problem, so why is it that he didn’t want to state the name of the girl on that day. He then dashes out a random name just to shut me up. Thinking back now, the boy wasn’t even trying to ask me to come. Nor did he even snap that night. Just saying.

If you thought that was a lot that was only some of the many things he has done to me.

You never really know someone until you see them angry.

Fast forward we were over! The relationship came to an end through a cowardly way. Not even the respect to say it face to face, although to be honest I officially broke it off. After 8 months with this boy and having the sense that something was wrong, as he was acting funny with me. I kept asking what was wrong and he finally tells me after me having to drag it out of him. “I feel like I’m suffocating in this relationship, like I want you but I dunno if I want to be committed to a deep relationship right now” … so this boy expected me to allow him to waste my time any further? I replied to the boy,”Kl were done then” I know for sure he was not expecting that reply, he expected me to chase after him or continue to allow him to waste my time. Let’s not forget the part where he got his friend, the same buddy that he did baby boy with in hotel, to snap a pic of him and one of his “close female friend” with his hand placed on the thigh knowing well I’m watching. Cause first, if we were still together  he would never have done that.

Fast forward to two days after drawing close to our deadlines for uni work. I walk in to the computer room in the library with our so called mutual “friends”. Close to the end of the day, a so called “mutual friend” came to get me, pulling me to get up and me saying I don’t want to go anywhere. He insisted, so I got up and walked towards the door where he pointed to my ex. I then froze with feelings of uncertainty. I then walked towards him where I waited for him to speak. He then starts smiling and smirking up in my face, having me confused to why this situation could be funny? I do not know. He begins saying with a smirk “I don’t want any tension between us”. I then ask why is he smiling because this situation is not funny. He continues to smile throughout trying to get under my skin. He then starts talking the most rubbish, so I then ask if I can go because what he’s saying is irrelevant at this point. He says no and that he isn’t finished speaking. So, he continues to speak then I say are you done because I want to go. He doesn’t allow me to leave, he then begins to get up into my face and say mean things trying to aggregate me and call me paranoid and dilutional all while smiling. In a slow and intimidating voice while smirking in my face, the last thing he said was “throughout this relationship until now, I’ve finally seen you for the kind of person you really are” then… I slap him.

Straight after he grabs me by my neck, lifts me up by my neck and slams me into the wall. He slammed me so hard into the wall, that the wall is literally broken, dented and cracked all the way down to the plug socket. He starts to then strangle me with all his power, trying to squeeze all the life out of me. I was just thinking I’m going to die. This mutual “friend” then runs over and tries to stop him. She couldn’t help as he was too big and strong. I start screaming and as soon as my feet touch the ground and he then slides me across the wall still holding me by my neck and by then starts to grab my face and squeezing it very firmly. I could feel the pressure of his fingers and thumb pressing into my cheeks. He then punches me and continues to hold me pinned against the wall. People start to run out and drag him off me. I’m then taken into the room behind me where I just fell to the ground, traumatized and in shock.

His side kick that’s always doing baby boy with him then starts coming towards me with a threatening body language, but he was quickly stopped in his tracks by other people in the room. We tell him this is not his problem and ask to not get involved. Another one of the guys try to talk to me, as you can imagine I was thinking to myself, what is there to discuss? One of the boy’s say, “you don’t know what this does to a girl” and he was the only guy there that was defending me. I heard he was one the only one defending me later that night too. (You know who you are and if you are watching this, thank you.) Security comes up about 5 mins after and bring me downstairs. As I’m walking downstairs I hear one of the boys say, “why is she going downstairs with security?” Security went to get him when they found out what had happened but he was gone. Then he was found later in the night. So, I guess he ran off somewhere to hide.

When I came out the office with the security, they were all coming down the same time to leave; walking with the unsympathetic boy. None of them said a word to me apart from the one guy that was backing me. Throughout this whole time until I left, one girl was by my side (You know who you are).

The same boy that was trying to talk to me when it just happened, (not the one with threatening body language) Later that night, he then contacted me to ask what happened. As soon as I got to the part where I said I slapped him, he butted in and didn’t want to hear what he did. He was making excuses for him, saying girls shouldn’t put themselves in situations where they would get hurt.

After these events, I was so traumatized and in so much distress. I cried brushing my teeth and cried going to sleep. I was left with bruises on my body and bruises on my soul. Things like these do really change someone, it could have consumed me. I could have done the unthinkable and ……let’s not even go there.

After the next 2 days, I saw through snaps that he was out at a party. No remorse, no care in the world of the damage he has caused. If you feel what you’ve done is wrong and you feel bad, you would say sorry that same night or the next day. Having in mind none of these so called uni “friends” have not even tried to contact me apart from the one girl I mentioned before. A person’s true colors will always show within time you may be fooled for the moment, but be patient and see what happens. The fakes will soon reveal themselves. They didn’t even care to know my side of the story, didn’t question has he done this before and overall making him think what he did was okay by supporting that behavior. If I had a friend that did something I felt was wrong I would make them know I was not comfortable with it and encourage them to apologies immediately. This is a clear indication that this kind of behaviour is acceptable to them and maybe even what they see as normal. As they say, your friends are a true reflection of you.

It’s disgusting the kind of mentality these people hold on to, accepting this behaviour and expecting me to allow him to just treat me anyhow. Sooner or later, these individuals will learn the hard way, as they say what goes around comes around!

This whole experience has made me feel so hurt, upset and disappointed in someone that claimed to have loved me. I’m still very traumatized and it has affected me emotionally and physiologically.

First and for most I would like to show my sincere appreciation towards my loving family and friends that have and still continue to support me through such tough times such as these. Thank you for being such a comforting shoulder to cry on. I’m so lucky to have such genuine, kind hearted souls in my life. I don’t know what I would do without such a strong support system behind me. I love you all so much and appreciate every single one of you.

I would like to say thank you to the girl that was with me throughout and cared enough to see how I was doing. You have a beautiful soul, I can see your parents done a respectable job raising you. You could have followed the others like sheep and took sides with him but you never. You are a beautiful person inside and out. You deserve to be around like-minded people like yourself. Continue to follow your heart and not others. Good things will come to you.

I would also like to say thank you to the guy that was defending me you didn’t have to but you did. Which showed me you have a heart.

I am the young black girl and I will never allow another man to put me through what he has put me through. I have a heart! I deserve love! I deserve happiness! I have self-worth.

Girls, never allow a man to treat you the way I was treated. If you see or feel something you know that does not sit well with your spirit, end it and never look back because you deserve better. I stayed because I did not know my self-worth and I have learned that. We may think we know our self-worth, but if you stay and endure such evil things, you are lowing your standards for them. Never lower your standards for no one. You deserve love, you deserve to be treated with respect.

To that person that’s in a group of friends, do not fear being different! Different is good! Keep being true to who you are, never allow the crowd to influence your choices and behavior.

Everything happens for a reason and if me telling my story can help someone else it was all worth it in the end. I am a survivor and I will continue to treat my obstacles like stepping stones. I will continue to soldier through the bullshit and turn my scars into words of wisdom.

Remember, you are not alone.

A young black girl

Below are some useful links if you have been affected by the issues relating to this topic.

Please visit:

https://www.victimsupport.org.uk

http://www.nationaldomesticviolencehelpline.org.uk/

https://www.thechange-project.org